on gay yearning, the death of horny, and "pissing against the moon"
a lot of this rly resonated... especially the discomforting loss of libido while horniness and devotion rage on. like that was the one thing i thought i could always count on LMAO ;_; anyways, sorry you’ve had such a shit time with all this... it feels great to love the parts of someone that have always felt unlovable in yourself, n really really sucks when that relationship is painful and the devotion doesn’t seem to go both ways. can feel like self flagellation (and not the good kind) that just reinforces all those insecurities. i hope you’re able to share that kind of ease and vulnerability and joy and horniness again while feeling unquestionably, consistently cared for too. take care and i hope you can find comfort in familiar things again soon <3
I'm sending this to friends of mine and sharing it with my community. I won't pretend to understand you completely and warn that I cannot write as eloquently as you have atm. But this touched me and is making me feel...many different conflicting emotions about sex and connection. As a queer person, I'm grateful for this piece and will reflect on it deeper. This will be something that will be worthwhile discussing with my loved ones
Im having fun thinking of only wrong answers to the censored portion of this piece. My favorites so far are "Italian mobsters" "homestuck fans" and "secret cthulus"
Seriously though, I appreciate this a lot. The part about desire beeing gutwrenchingly humiliating hits me hard and reminds me of the writing whytrusttomhanks did on fetlife https://fetlife.com/users/4832168/posts/6830002
It also reminds me of the first girl and the first boy I fell in love with; I've been thinking a lot about them and all the other ghosts in my heart since the pandemic shackled us all to our homes and I've been left in my own head without adult supervision. With her,, i saw myself in her but never wanted her actually see me and she was more than happy to never really look back; and for him, he saw myself in myself, but hated himself too much to let either of us see him. That kind of connection leaves its mark, but man am i glad they're both gone. Its not worth collapsing over..
Thank you for writing this :)
Beautiful <3. But also, oof. Echoes of this story ring true to my own quarantine breakup, and the ex that I have to admit to myself I am indeed still in love with. "...never fallen in love with someone so much like me." that really hits the mark. She was the first person I dated after transitioning, and I hit the jackpot. I'd never felt so seen or desired, and it was very much mutual. We got 2.5 beautiful months before quarantine separated us, began to crack the ever-tenuous balance of our respective mental states, and put a ton of pressure on a relationship still too young to bear the weight. Maybe it was always doomed. I'm grateful for out time together, she showed me a world I didn't know was possible for me. Compared to the deep repression I'd spent the rest of my life mired in, it may as well have been another dimension. But the shadow side of that is that the urge, the desire, is still there. Anytime I get a taste of that affection I want it all, I don't care if I drown in it. I wrote a lot about that time, but you've put it in words that help bring the whole thing into a less hazy perspective. I'm new to your writing, apart from your lovely Twitter quips, really looking forward to digging in more :).
This was very beautiful to read. I was in a poly situation where I developed this unhealthy obsession with how a certain person saw me even when they treated me poorly and I had other supportive partners. Something about that relationship felt crucial to changing my self image. Eventually I realized I could do that on my own but a fair amount of damage was done in the process. Reading you article helped me think about some of that. Take care and get better (hornier) soon